I am only a witness here, but I must tell the dramatic story of how The Todd saved his family from the marauding black bear. We have a little cabin up on a river in the Uinta Mountains. Since it’s a one bedroom, we duct-tape the twins–ah, I mean we tenderly tuck in the twins–in there. The Todd and I sleep on the sofa pullout next to the big sliding glass door that leads to the deck and the river.
Now, when the bed’s out, my foot is about 6 inches from the door, which was open last night with only the screen to protect us from filthy nature. (So sue me, I hate mosquitos.) We were chatting idly when The Todd gave a roar, rose to his feet and did a crazy hand thing that looked straight out of “A Chorus Line.” “Get out!” he shouted as he raced across the room and slammed the sliding door shut. Only then did I look at out and see a huge black bear looking back in at me. “Aaaaaah!” I screamed, jumping up and down on the lumpy pullout mattress. “Aaaaah!” screamed The Todd as he continued to do what I can only describe as the Bear Repelling Jazz Hands. The bear (terrified, I’m sure) turned and ambled along our deck and out of sight.
We spent the rest of the night racing from window to window, certain the bear would be back to break in, peel the vinyl windows away and eat our children like sardines from a tin.
The bear did make a return today when my spouse and Z&M were off on an ATV ride. I looked out the window while washing the dishes to see the bear sampling from our hummingbird feeder. I didn’t have The Todd, I didn’t have the Bear Repelling Jazz Hands. My only weapon was the same tone I use on our twins when I catch them sneaking ice cream from the freezer.
“See here! You need to stop that right now.” I lectured, hands shaking so hard that I sounded like I was tapping a merengue on the counter, “you know that kind of diet can’t be good for you. Look at my thighs if you don’t believe me!” The bear shot me a look of fathomless contempt as he finished off the hummingbird juice (and feeder, but who’s counting) and wandered off again.
Thinking back on this now, I realize that my dear husband saw a bear RIGHT NEXT TO MY FOOT and raced across the room to save me, risking his own life in the process. I mean, the bear would have eaten me first. The Todd would have had plenty of time to get the twins and hide in the truck. But he raced torwards certain danger to save me. How COOL is this man? How brave? How impressive are his Bear Repelling Jazz Hands?
An offical response from Todd:
“To all the guys who find themselves in this situation, be aware that the aftermath is not what you think. You have just scared a bear away from your family. Your adrenaline is pumping. And you are the Manliest Man In The World. You picture you and your spouse as a cover of a romance novel–shining and glistening in the evening light. But, this is not what it’s like. Erin went from hysteria to deep REM sleep in 20 minutes. Leaving ME, with all my masculinity…alone. In the darkened night. The rewards of Being Manly fall far short of one’s expectations.” Sincerely, Bear Chasing Todd