You Seriously Named Your Kid Speck Wildhorse? SERIOUSLY?

You Seriously Named Your Kid Speck Wildhorse? SERIOUSLY? So, maybe you’ve wondered what celebrities do when they simply can’t get enough attention for being famous? They have babies and name them things so ridiculously foolish that it’s guaranteed that poor kid’s gonna get beaten up at school through his college years.

(cover photo credit: Harald Groven)

HOLLYWOOD, CA - NOVEMBER 12, 2011. Jason Lee and Ceren Alkac at the World premiere of 'The Muppets' held at El Capitan Theater in Hollywood, USA on November 12, 2011.

I just want to shake them and screech, “what is wrong with you?” I get coming down from that post-labor high…maybe a little woozy still from the epidural…but I have never been stoned enough to think “Pilot Inspektor” would be a super name for my first-born. Unfortunately, Jason Lee (Call Me Earl) and Beth Riesgraf didn’t agree with me. I mean, people! What did the poor kid every do to you? Sorry if it was a hard labor or you threw up a lot in the first trimester, but nothing is bad enough to deserve Pilot Inspektor. Geez, even the son of Satan ended up with the relatively benign “Damien” as his first name and he was planning on destroying mankind!

Sadly, it just gets worse. Have a look:

You Seriously Named Your Kid Speck Wildhorse? SERIOUSLY?

 

john mellencamp

(photo credit: Anne Peterson)

Yeah, yes he did. John Cougar Mellencamp and model Elaine Irwin figured their kid just wouldn’t have enough challenges in life, so they slapped that sucker on his birth certificate.

 

Penn Gillette arriving at the Primetime Creative Emmy Awards at Nokia Center in Los Angeles, CA on September 12, 2009 ©2009 Kathy Hutchins / Hutchins Photo

Then, there’s poor Moxie Crimefighter Jilette, because having a portly, angry comedian for a dad (Pen Gillette) just isn’t cruel enough. Penn & Teller’s HBO series “Bullsh–!” should maybe be researching ridiculous celebrity names.

 

nicolas cage

(photo credit: BSWise)

Kal-El Coppola Cage was doomed from the start–his dad Nicholas Cage and mom Alice Kim are fond of collecting human skeletons and castles when Daddy isn’t starring in art films (like “Wild at Heart”) and the occasional blockbuster (like “The Rock.”)

 

Jermaine Jackson at the 2009 American Music Awards Arrivals, Nokia Theater, Los Angeles, CA. 11-22-09

I’m not even going to tell you which one of these poor kids got named “JERMAJESTY” by dear old dad Jermaine Jackson from the Jackson 5–apparently Jermaine’s new gig stocking grocery store shelves didn’t put him in a merciful mood when naming his offspring.

 

Then, there’s the repeat offenders:

Gwyneth Paltrow at an in store appearance to promote her Estee Lauder line "Pleasures by Gwyneth Paltrow". Saks Fifth Avenue, Beverly Hills, CA 09-20-06

Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin with their kids Apple and Moses.

 

bob geldolf

(photo credit: DFIK UK Dept.)

And our grand prize winner: Bob Geldolf. Bob Geldolf is a lovely man who fronted the “Boomtown Rats” in the 1980’s and was the mastermind behind “Live Aid,” the first global collaboration by the rock world to help in disaster aid. The man is a saint and an international celebrity. But, I’m guessing Bob indulged in a lot of drugs during that period, and based on the names of his kids, you’ll probably agree: Fifi Trixibelle Geldolf, Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily Hutchence Geldolf, Pixie Geldolf,  and Peaches Geldolf.

Want more truly horrifying celebrity baby names? Click here.

 

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Comments

One response to “You Seriously Named Your Kid Speck Wildhorse? SERIOUSLY?”

  1. Gillian F says:

    If you’re calling Penn Jillette portly, you obviously haven’t seen him recently. But since his name was not only spelled wrong, but was spelled differently from his daughter’s, I’m not guessing this was very well researched.

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